... and June 11 again

I went to bed at 3:30 am last night. I got up at 6:30. Nine years ago... the die was cast (pun intended).

Yesterday we celebrated your recovery. The nurses discussed plans for when you were at home, since you were doing so well--out of the ventilator and having your oxygen settings lower and lower by the hour. It seemed a matter of days to have you and Nen reunite. We also celebrated having been together for five years. Five rich, amazing years of love and memories.

Today I would sleep in, happy, hopeful... to see an absolute and unexplainable mess when I arrived at the hospital. You were not in the room. When I finally found you, you were in a terrible state. What had happened? They told me you had had a psychotic episode where you wanted to leave the bed. You told me a very different story--they had left you in the hallway, "peed and cold," while they transferred you to another room. Days later our dear nurse, who had cared for you that night, told me that she couldn't make sense of it either, that all was fine until she went to her break. When she arrived, she found four nurses and two doctors surrounding your bed.

I think I know what happened--when you didn't breathe well, you would lean forward, and the most comfortable position to do that was to put your feet down. Somebody must have thought that was very wrong and got worried. I will never know for sure. What I do know, but I didn't until four days later, is that the doctors made the decision to skip one dose of your steroids (which can cause psychotic episodes) and never remembered to actually continue administering them. Yes, as unbelievable as it sounds, they removed the steroids cold turkey and didn't even realize they were doing it.

Four days later, I asked about an injection they were administering, "is this the steroid dose?" "What steroid? He's not on steroids," the nurse said. I wanted to die. "Let me check the chart," she continued. "Oh, it's true, he should have been on steroids, but I guess they forgot to administering them."

They restarted them that night but it didn't matter. For days without steroids had made you be more there than here, there was no turning back. A terrible spell had been cast on that direful June 11.

I always remember you and love you. Love never dies.