Dolor

Querido Amor,

Tonight my heart broke in a thousand pieces as I was driving back from my tango class. I thought of how much I miss the look in your eyes. That look of the man of my dreams. I'd give everything to have that look tonight.

I started crying desperately in the car as I thought of that. I could "see" you looking at me as we were talking, and I hurt. Then the "hospital eyes" came to me and I said: "No, not those eyes," and I wanted to use Nen's words: "Go away!!" I don't want those eyes, I want the beautiful eyes of my love, the unpolluted healthy ones.

The seed was planted earlier. When I was at the register to pay for the class, I saw somebody far on the dance floor that from the back looked like you. I was at the entrance and saw that person in the mirror only for a second, so I couldn't see his face, but he was wearing a white T-shirt and a gray vest, and I could see you wearing your white T-shirt and your gray vest around the time I first met you. I could see your healthy, musculous body before the cancer made his gloomy appearance. I could see all that was taken away from you, from us.

After that image, I went to class and I forgot all about it, or so I thought. But it must have stayed ... When I left the place I cried as I hadn't done in a long time. I only remember crying that badly in the car when I returned from passing my traffic school test a few weeks after your death. That day I called Óscar and told him how much it hurt to be doing that by myself (we had got each a ticket, so we were supposed to do that at the same time).

Amor... how much I'd like to have your eyes looking at me tonight!